The Pope's Parents
The Pope’s Parents
By Daniel Brothers
For my brother Robby,
“I left a steady plane for worlds of uncertainty
I miss the sureness of my feet, but god…
...what wonders there are to see”
Characters
Father John: A recently ordained priest
Mario: The pope’s father
Maria: the pope’s mother, her lines are all in Spanish unless otherwise notated
Bartender: The bartender
Setting: A dive bar for the clergy
At rise: A bartender dressed as a deacon is tending bar, it is fairly empty with maybe one cardinal deep into his drinks on the end of the bar besides the listed characters. Mario and Maria sit at a table off to the side as Father John enters in a very good mood.
Bartender: Good day?
John: You can say that again! I was just ordained
Bartender: The lord bless you, what Can I get for you father?
John: The lord in his infinite wisdom would like to know if you have any shot and wine specials
Bartender: Of course father. We have a house red with a shot of templeton rye, or a very nice 2014 sauvignon blanc and a shot of Jamison
John: You know what, It’s a special and blessed evening, pour me the three wise men if you would.
[pours three shots, which the father aptly downs]
Bartender: Peace be with you
Father: And also with you my good sir. (Puts his money down)
Mario: Excuse me there father
Father: What’s that you say?
Mario: I said excuse me there father
Father: I must confess it is new to be referred to as father! How can I help you?
Mario: Come here! Come here have a sit down with me. I want to share in celebration with you
Father: That sounds like a lovely time! Let us share in celebration
Mario: First sit, sit! [he waits for John to sit] This is my wife Theresa
Father: Peace be with you, and a pleasure to meet you
Maria: [English] And also with you.
Father: What brings you to this holy tap room of the lord our god.
Mario: Aside from this being the only place you can get a good bloody Mary in the whole of the Vatican, we are celebration go out sons good work
Father: Your sons good work?
Mario: Yes! He was recently promoted
Father: Most excellent news!
Mario: And I understand it, if you forgive my eavesdropping, that you also recently have been promoted!
Father: In so many words. I have been brought into his most holy order of priests
Mario: Congratulations father
Father: And you too father, for your sons promotion
[They chuckle and cheers glasses]
Father: If I can pry, and I will forgive your pride if you have any, but what was your son’s promotion?
Mario: He was just elected to be pope
Maria: He was not elected he was chosen by god
Mario: There were an awful lot of folks voting for him. And i sure didn’t hear anything about god casting a ballot. I mean how could he? Perform a minor miracle just so he can write a name on a piece of paper and blow some white smoke? Pah!
Father: I’m sorry i feel like i have misunderstood. Your son is his holiness Pope Francis of Argentina?
Mario: No need to be so formal about it, I call him Jorge
Maria: [english] I call him Jorgy.
Father: You are both looking, very well I didn’t realize the pope had parents.
Mario: Well of course he has parents, every one of god’s children has parents
Maria: This man must truly have embraced the celibacy of priesthood
Father: Right I just. Our papal excellency is rather well on in his years. I did not realize you were still with us.
Mario: Oh! I see you thought we were with the lord. [in Spanish] He thought we were dead.
Maria: Ah he thought we were dead!
Mario: Well you know as well as any man of faith father john that death is not the end of life
Father: You are both very.. How did you know my name?
Mario: [gives a knowing wink] Your mother Patrica sends her regards
Father: You know my mother?
Mario: Yes she sits with us in the bingo hall.
Maria: Did you know bingo was originally an Italian game?
Mario: I did Maria you remind me of that every week.
Father: You are. You’re both. I have been blessed with a vision. Bartender, brother!
Mario: Hey hey hey be considerate of this old couple Father John. We don’t want the attention. This was the first place we could get a quiet table. We’re kind of famous now.
Maria: Famous and dead.
John: But you are both alive
Mario: When your son’s the pope you never truly die
Maria: They did not teach you that in priest school?
John: [accepting this as a test of faith] What brings you to this place then to share cups with a humble servant of our lord and of your son.
Mario: I told you this. You must listen better you know. We are here to drink to our son’s divine accomplishment, and to your own happiness! No need to dwell on formalities.
Maria: He does not listen well, typical American
Father: Right. I have two questions then
Mario: One at a time we are forgetful and hard of hearing
Father: Of course. Easy one first
Mario: What was that?
Father: I’ll ask the easy question first.
Mario: No need to shout.
Father: Of course my apologies
Mario: What was that?
Father: Of course… [he notices that Mario is laughing]
Mario+Maria: [laughing]
Maria: Let him speak so we can drink in peace
Mario: Manners Maria
Maria: hmph
Mario: You were asking?
Father: Why did you come to a priests bar if you are trying to avoid attention? Of anywhere would this not be the place someone recognizes you as spirits of the lord?
Mario: You are right that is an easy question
Maria: Really a pointless question
Mario: Maria!
Maria: [non engaging gesture]
Mario: We came here because priest don’t talk about going to the bar. They aren’t here to see or be seen by others. Their catholic guilt keeps them from bothering us so we came here.
Maria: [English] Where is your catholic guilt?
Father: I do not feel guilt for being catholic
Mario: But do you feel guilt?
Father: I am not without sin, I have often felt guilt in my life.
Mario: And you are catholic, so there you go catholic guilt
Father: Your words carry weight divine father
Mario: You don’t need to be so formal, I am a railway accountant not some divine reckoning
Father: Of course.
Mario: You can call me Mario Bergoglio.
Father: Could I say Mr. Bergoglio?
Mario: Mr. Bergoglio was my father.
Father: You are the genesis of the divine mouthpiece of my day and age. Leader of the faith on this world. I can’t just call you Mario
Mario: I am just a guy who had sex with my wife, and I didn’t grace the world with anything other than my 1st son because of it.
Maria: First of too many
Mario: You wanted a daughter
Maria: I had two
Mario: Took three tries to get there though
Father: My second question
Mario: Of Course
Father: You both are with the lord yes?
Mario: We are all children of god
Maria: He means dead
Mario: I know what he means I’m trying to be mysterious
Father: You are dead, I mean? The pope is well into his years and you both seem to be a bit young for your early 100s.
Maria: [wife gestures ‘you see!’]
Mario: Yes we are both with the lord in the more literal sense, your question.
Father: [blessing self nervously] If you have returned from beyond, what wisdom have you come here to speak? I am unworthy to hear your voice but I crave your council, allow me to be witness to your divine words.
[Mario and Maria Glance at each other]
Maria:[english] do not fall in love with an Italian man
Mario: and do not order pizza at a true Italian restaurant.
Father: What?
Mario: it is better not to wash your hair every day, because it dries out with too much soap
Father: I see, you speak in parables.
Mario: Look, John. Father. We are just here on the papal benefits package, and I recognized you from your mothers face. We don’t have any particular divine news for you
Father: What?
Maria; his hearing is not very good
Mario: [Spanish: I think he thinks himself important ] Just because you are a priest now doesn’t mean that god sends you the literal pope’s parents to tell you what to do. It’s much more convoluted than that.
Father: What? [pause] What do you mean Mr. [catches self] Mario.
Mario: He does at least learn
Maria: [shrugs]
Mario: If I learned anything in my 51 years on this earth. It’s that faith isn’t something that is shown to you. It’s something that you understand. As soon as you think god is showing you something, you’re lost. God isn’t so literal father. At least not in this life. When my first born son became a priest, I was sick and near my end. I looked at his blessing as some divine grace, that I was not to die from my sickness and I would live a longer life
Maria: my idiot husband
Mario: I was foolish yes. When i knew my heart was failing. To think I would have more time. Wasted a good year of my life chasing after a life i could not live. I passed and had to wait 30 years for my beautiful wife to join me. She was not as foolish as I.
Maria: [English] I didn’t smoke.
Mario: Among other things. Don’t take this advice because I am a spirit of the current pope’s parent brought back to the world of the living to celebrate my son’s rise into papacy. Take it because it’s good advice from a man who is wishing you the best in your pursuits of faith and otherwise. It comes from in here, not up here.
Father: But how can I not take this as some divine intervention? You are beyond the veil, God has graced you this chance to return to the world of the living that is a miracle before my own eyes and you ask me not to take that into account. Into my faith?
Mario: You’ll understand in time. Now if you would, give us a moment of peace. I’d like to enjoy some time with my wife. I don’t always get to see here because of the second husband she married when I died.
Maria: 30 years is a long time
Mario: I don’t blame you but Miguel? Really?
Maria: He was sweet!
Father: Peace be with you.
[Mario waves him off]
[ Father John walks to the bar and orders a shot]
Bartender: Are you alright father?
Father: I am doing ok. Do you know those two?
Bartender: What? Those two benches? This place is older than I am.
Father: no the old couple sitting there?
Bartender: Father I think the holy spirits must have been hitting you a bit strongly tonight.
Father: Yes. [looks down and places a hand to his heart feeling his faith] I think it has. Peace be with you.
Bartender: And also with you.